Belgian tennis star Justine Henin has elected to retire, effective immediately, while ranked #1 in the world.

“This is the end of a child’s dream,” Henin said. “This is a definitive decision. Those who know me know it is serious.”

So why did Henin decide to up and quit at the top of her game? Her explanation:

“It is a new beginning for me. I feel like I already lived three lives. I gave the sport all I could and took everything it could give me. I take this decision without the least bit of regrets. It is my life as a woman that starts now.”

Oh…she’s retiring so she can wash dishes, cook some guy’s eggs and get knocked up. It’s about time one of these broads figured out what being a woman means.

(Maybe now she’ll grow boobies.)

FHM has come out with its bi-monthly 100 Sexiest Women on Earth list. For some reason, vacuous no-talent future-porn star Megan Fox has been declared the #1 hottest female. I’m personally not into ashtray-smelling chicks who cover themselves in idiotic tattoos of their own vapid poetry, but whatever.

FHM came closer to getting it right by giving tennis star Maria Sharapova the #29 slot, ahead of Rachel Bilson but behind Keira Knightley. I’ve personally moved on from Maria to Ana Ivanovic when it comes to tennis crushes, but Maria’s still okay.

The larger point, however, is that lists like this are stupid. Sexiness is completely subjective, as evidenced by the fact that this woman was able to attract a man who made her pregnant. One man’s repulsive cow is another man’s wank-fantasy.

The full controversial FHM list is here.

(picture: usemycomputer)

This is kind of random…Maria Sharapova playing tennis in the street with David Letterman and Billy Crystal. Crystal is about as good a tennis player as he is a baseball player…which is to say, not very. Letterman spends his time berating the ballboy. Maria’s outfit is…unfortunate.

Serena Williams is in the semis of the Family Circle Cup after beating Maria Sharapova 7-5, 4-6, 6-1. It was Williams’ fourth straight win over Sharapova.

(picture: Celebutopia)

Anna Kournikova competed in the Nautica South Beach Triathlon over the weekend. She didn’t actually run all three events, but participated in a relay. She did the running part, and other people did the biking and swimming parts. There was no tennis part…which was good news because Anna would surely have caused her team to lose.

(picture: anaivanovic.com)

In other tennis-hottie-related news…Serbian racket goddess Ana Ivanovic is being featured on a postage stamp in her home country. Other blogs have already used up all the jokes about licking Ana Ivanovic, so I won’t bother. I’ll just sit here and think about licking Ana Ivanovic.

(picture: Celebutopia)

No, I didn’t forget the obligatory Kournikova butt-shot. Is it just me or does she look anorexic? Not hot.

(picture: ESPN/AP)

Maria Sharapova has three victories in 2008 after defeating Dominika Cibulkova 7-6(7), 6-3 in the final of the Bausch & Lomb Championships.

Sharapova didn’t play her best tennis on the day, committing five double-faults and 33 unforced errors, but it was enough to defeat Cibulkova who was competing in her first-ever WTA final.

The win marked Sharapova’s first-ever victory on clay. The Russian star hopes to parlay this positive experience into her first French Open title later this year.

10 Things Overheard as Serena Williams Walked By on the Beach:

1. “Damn baby. Is that a booty or did a sperm whale crawl up your butthole?”
2. “Excuse me miss, but you just knocked my son into the next county.”
3. “Yo, look everybody…it’s Warren Sapp!”
4. “I like big butts and I cannot lie. Uh, at least I did up until a second ago.”
5. “The butt provided mobile shelter for an entire array of beach-dwelling creatures, including hermit crabs, terns and a group of homeless men.”
6. “Hey Serena…the Alps called. They want their mountain back.”
7. “That’s funny…it doesn’t say anything about an eclipse in my New Farmer’s Almanac.”
8. Several obnoxious dudes humming the theme from 2001…and then giggling.
9. The thud from Reggie Bush passing out.
10. Beep…beep…beep…

(picture: TMZ/Mavrixphoto)

Serena Williams beat Jelena Jankovic on Saturday to claim her fifth career title at the Sony Ericsson Open.

The highlight of the match came when Serena, angry at herself over a bad shot, slammed her racket into the ground and destroyed it.

Woah…simmer down there, hon. She-Hulk need racket to win tennis match, make more money, buy more ugly outfits.

Congratulations to Andy Roddick, who finally managed to beat Roger Federer.

Roddick had lost 11 in a row to Federer going into their quarterfinal match at the Sony Ericsson Open. But Andy got the better of the Swiss android this time, winning 7-6(7-4), 4-6, 6-3.

Afterward, Andy admitted to experiencing some nervousness.

‘’I've been a point away before,'’ Roddick said. “Forty-30 still felt like a long way away. I just kept telling myself, `Please hit a big serve and let it be done.’ I was telling myself, ‘You have an opportunity for this to be over in about two-and-a-half seconds. Let’s try our best to make one.’ ‘’

Hanging out with Terrell Owens must be helping Andy’s mental attitude.

Tennis star Andy Roddick has elected to take the plunge into matrimonial bliss with his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker.

Sources confirmed that Roddick proposed to 20-year-old model Decker last Tuesday. The two have been seeing each other since last year, when Roddick aggressively pursued Decker after seeing her picture in the SI swimsuit issue.

Congrats to Andy…although that chick is kinda fugly if you ask me.